dear butterfly…

Hear me out

I’m dying

no…

I’m actually not

Just a twisty feel again

Don’t come

Don’t hear me

LEAVE ME ALONE

ALL OF YOU

I don’t even know what time is it. My tears won’t let themselves to dry. Sad tickles run down my face swiftly and unrushed by no force. I’m still shaking. And I just can’t stop. I keep looking at my hands and I feel the awful wretchedness taking control over me. My body feels broken in all the irreparable places- like a doll with twisted limbs… and right there, between my timid and horified palms, there’s this butterfly made from paper, that’s been smashed and thrown away. And I don’t recall if I was the murderer. There’s this blank in my memory and a wall that shields something- an awful happening I assumed. It was my fault, wasn’t it? I killed it… I want to fix it, to revive it somehow but this arrogant voice keeps telling me that some things just can’t be fixed. And so I stare at it continously and I don’t know what to do. Some other whispers ask if I really am the murderer, with a surprised voice, but I shut them down immeadiately. There’s no way that someone else did it. I need to accept it.

I want to at least put him at peace, but I can’t make myself to bury him. I would smash him even more.

[…]

It’s been days and I still hold the broken buttefly. My lips are now like a tree’s bark and my eyes feel injected with some kind of venom. I think I’m gonna fall. My muscles give in to this luring force and my body hits the cold and choppy ground. I don’t even feel the pain anymore. My vision gets blurry and wet. I still want to fix the butterfly. With a shaky hand I try to smoothen his wings. My touch is almost unnoticeble.

Though, right before I close my eyes, he moves one of his tiny limbs. With my lids sealing my vision, I start seeing behind the wall.

it wasn’t my fault

I smile peacefully

The butterfly breaks under my skin and a wild wind lifts me from the ground. I feel life surrounding me everywhere. The whirlwind wakes up every particle of myself and with my eyes wide open I start seeing EVERYTHING. Existence in its most sincere way.

I promise to cherish you forever, dear Butterfly!